Every day I wake up and think “This is it. Today is the day it will be different. Today, things will change.”
Then I start to think (sometimes I list on paper) all of the things I am going to complete that day.
Some are Big Idea things. Some are errand-y things. Some are carry-over things from the day before (or the day before that). Some of those not-yet-done-from-yesterday-things are, eventually, so unimportant that they just fall of the list.
Then I start to think about, in the spirit of today being The Day Things Totally Change, what else is going to change today.
Today I will eat only healthy foods. Snacks will consist of fruits and vegetables. Lots of water, of course. And in addition to my walk, which is like the air I breathe and non-negotiable, today is the day I will start to run. (After all, I did buy myself those expensive running shoes as a gift for my birthday.)
Today I will be really patient. I won’t lose it with my kids, and I will not take it personally or as a statement on how bad of a mother I am when my daughter starts with me, which she inevitably will. In fact, from today on, I will never ever again chastise myself or think that I am a bad mother or even judge my mothering skills.
Today I will make time to read. And I will do so in the comfy chair I bought specifically for that purpose but which I rarely enjoy (in part because my dog is on it from about 8 am to 4 pm daily).
Today I will make time, even if just for a few minutes, to be totally still and to let that voice inside that apparently has lots to say but no time or space to say it speak its piece.
Today I will file all of those pesky papers that continue to pile up on top of the file drawers in my office. And while I am at it, I will shred that other mountain of papers that I believe includes papers from pre Y2K. I will Windex my desk because it is kind of gross. All the while eating healthy snacks, of course.
Today I will make one — JUST ONE — delicious wonderful dinner that everyone will eat and love.
Today someone else, preferably someone under 18, will offer to wash the dishes and clean up after all of us. I won’t even have to ask.
Today I will write at least 2500 words resulting in an exquisitely organized and meaningful and, well, brilliant polished final piece (ready for publishing in Redbook or O, of course).
I always have such high hopes for today. But sometimes (well, let’s call a spade a spade…. MOST of the time), today has other plans for me.
Today has a mind of its own.
Today is not always my friend.
Today manages to throw me for a loop more times than not.
Today brings me Cheetos, and impatience, and unexpected pimples, and clothes that don’t fit, and at least one kid who hates me (at a time) and dogs who throw up or shed too much all over the house and weeds all over the driveway and writing that sucks and too much I didn’t complete yesterday carrying over on my To Do List whose to-dos for today have no freakin chance and did I say Cheetos?
Today starts with promise. If it were me and me alone in the world, maybe today could deliver. But real life has many moving parts, none of them really under my control. I react a lot and get sidetracked by the reality of today. Maybe if I were more purposeful or better focused or less easily distracted, then today would always turn out into what I’d wanted it to be.
But my reality is that day after day, TODAY snowballs into, well, something not remotely resembling what I had hoped it would be.
Enjoy the ride!
Just let things happen!
Enough with the lists already!
You’re so rigid!
Don’t worry….everything will get done!
That’s what they tell me. You know… “they” – the people who know better than I do. I guess their todays are way more productive and easy and fun and on-target than mine are. Or maybe they just care less.
You know, the definition of insanity goes something like this: When you keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.
My todays all start the same and actually end the same. The in-between details are different, but the outcome is the same. Thus, in addition to being annoyed and frustrated and pissed off, I am also apparently insane.
Oh, and I am tired. I’m really tired at the end of each day. I’m up early, and after hours of spinning my wheels, I am tired. You’d be too. You probably are too.
So what does this all mean?
What does my Today Problem (yes, to me it is a problem) come down to?
Something needs to change, that much I know. Actually, many somethings.
And believe me, I have scrutinized the situation:
Am I too focused on nonsense?
On the little things?
On getting stuff done and crossing it off my To Do List, rather than on my Big Picture?
Do I even have a Big Picture?
And while I am asking all of these questions, I wonder, Does anyone else even have all of these questions?
Ignorance is bliss…or so I am told. Sure, I’d love to just let go and enjoy the ride. Of course, I do have a lot of fun, do a lot of great things, relish my friends, my family, my life. I’m fortunate and I know it.
Yet….letting go? Yea, right. So not me.
So what gives, what’s next, what do I change and how do I fix what’s not working? Because, really, all I want in life is the Today that I want.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Maybe it isn’t much to ask. Maybe I am just not asking the right way. Or I am asking but not carrying out or implementing or acting in a way that’s congruent with what I asked.
I DON’T KNOW. Do you? Because if you do, let me know.
In the meantime, I’ll be here in Today Land. The real Today Land, not the Disney one that tempts me and has me believe in it, albeit briefly, every morning.