By “private” I mean that the plan was to write it pen-to-paper (which I almost never do) not for publication (um, which I almost never do).
What I realized almost immediately was that I am angry at someone.
Who is really no one.
No, this isn’t a riddle. It’s the truth. It’s my life.
This is someone I thought had answers for me. And had ideas for me. And advice, information and warnings. Maybe someone had chocolate and hugs too.
I was always waiting for someone.
Someone who would be in my corner. Look out for my interests. Maybe put me first always.
But someone didn’t show.
Sure, I have had advice and friends and plenty of chocolate along the way. But I was expecting more. I was expecting it to come from “someone.”
Meanwhile, someone is busy. Someone doesn’t owe me. Someone has not made looking out for Allison their #1 job in life.
Someone has let me down, and, well I have been angry at someone.
And, let’s face it: Being angry at someone, while draining and punishing to ourselves, can be a heckuva lot easier than looking within and actually doing the work.
So as I was doing my pen-to-paper-not-for-publication writing earlier this week, I realized, clear as day, that this someone bullshit has got to end:
That someone isn’t saving me or telling me the secret of life.
That waiting for someone will lead to lots of frustration and excuses. That waiting for someone is a dead end.
That being mad at someone to begin with is a losing proposition and that not even knowing who that someone is is all the more so.
That someone is a fairy tale. Maybe a sweet one, until it doesn’t translate to real life and it disappoints us.
But I am not a fairy tale. My people are not fairy tales. You are not a fairy tale.
Someone may or may not love me, someone may or may not care, someone may or may not owe me.
And. That. Is. OK.
I have no control over someone.
I do have control over me. I own me and I take responsibility for me. I am here for me. Always. And as for someone, well if I thought maybe you were that someone or expected you to act like that someone, please know I am sorry.
You are not that someone. You will never be that someone. You could never be that someone.
I am someone.
What about you? Have you been waiting for someone too?