Ok, for real, the time change messed me up a bit last night. Well, the time change and that massive burger I ate in a sidewalk cafe in Delray Beach yesterday. And the fries. And the onion rings.
Anyway, at 4:50 am (aka 5:50 am….or is it 3:50 am?) I was wide awake. Cursing the farmers that needed the extra (or one less) hour. Cursing my bad food choices. Cursing the person next to me who had the gall to be fast asleep.
So what does a grumpy person with a grumbly stomach do in the pitch blackness just an hour or two before Monday morning starts?
She ruminates, of course.
She starts the hamster-on-a-wheel thinking that so conveniently allows us to think about the most stressful, annoying and frustrating things, people and patterns in our lives at precisely the same moment that we are desperately craving sleep and nothing but.
I was thinking about a particular person and pattern
that plagues me that I allow to plague me. (Believe me, I wish I could tell you ALL of the details, but I can’t. For several reasons. Wish I could. Because I would.)
I started thinking about how this person is, from my perspective, disrespectful, mean, rude, unappreciative and verbally abusive. To me and to others.
I started thinking about the run-in I had with this person the night before.
I started composing emails to this person, in response to the bordering-on-abusive emails they’d sent me the night before.
Maybe this is a writer thing, or maybe everyone does it, but I was going over word-by-word, exactly how I would reply to them as soon as I hauled my sorry self out of the bed and the pitch darkness.
I felt my heart beating faster and the butterflies rising in my stomach. My breathing got more shallow and my thoughts and words and anger and pissed-off-ness were swirling around in my head something awful. The emotions and feelings were snowballing and gaining on me and growing until…..
…until I spoke to myself or “someone” else spoke to me.
It was clear.
I heard it.
It stopped me.
Because it was right. Of course.
It told me, “Just. Let. It. Go.”
“But I have...” I first “responded.”
Just. Let. It. Go.
Yes. That. Right.
That means no email replies. No responses. No working to resolve the issues that are unresolvable. No re-visiting how wronged I have been by this person. How disgusting I feel their treatment of me is. How great I am and how badly I feel they should know and acknowledge that.
Just. Let. It. Go.
They do not matter to me.
They are not important to me.
They must be forgiven. For me, not for them.
Letting go is the only way I can live how I really want to live.
They did this and they didn’t do that and I did this and I didn’t do that and they said this and didn’t say that….
You haven’t let go.
Just. Let. It. Go.
Letting go is NOT easy. But hanging on is way harder. As is thinking that you have let go and being told point-blank by some voice at 4 am (aka 3 am/5 am) that you haven’t actually (yet) let go.
Still caring means you have not let go.
Still having mental conversations in which you convince and maybe control and “win” (or even lose) means you have not let go.
Crying or being angry or losing your shit (or even your cool) means you have not let go.
Trying to make it work or make it happen or change things or control them means you have not let go.
Telling the same story with the same sorry ending means you have not let go.
Still giving the person or the situation or the pattern power takes away your power.
I am not saying that letting go is a must right here, right now, for everything and all of us. Hanging on has its benefits. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t hang on. And only you know what those benefits are. (Even if they are not apparent, they exist. Trust me on this one.)
But, ultimately, living in a let-go state also has its benefits. You could try it. But you’d have to go all-in. You can’t let go a little, just like you can’t be a little pregnant or a little dead.
I’d told myself that I let go a little on this one, meaning I hadn’t let go at all.
So am I transformed? Will I act and feel differently (meaning not at all) the next time I am wanting to start with or respond to this person?
Yes, I will.
What About You?
Is there something that you give lots of energy and power to that isn’t in any way serving you
or adding to the kind of life you want to live?