I had an interesting day.
And by “interesting,” I mean weird. A combination of introspective and realistic and scary and profound. All those things.
One of those days where you experience things and people and feelings that remind you of where you once were, of how far you have come, of what’s changed and of, yes, how far you still have to go.
Sometimes when I see how far I have come, I am so freakin’ happy. I think of especially of tough decisions I made and actually acted upon. I think about how I have chosen to really live instead of staying safe or being afraid.
And I am psyched.
And proud of myself.
And when I forget to be proud of myself, I have my friends to remind me that I am really living. And that I do some not-so-easy things and ROCK them.
But…sometimes when I think of how I’ve come, I start to think about how far I still have to go (despite the knowledge that I am always in the perfect place at the perfect time).
I start to feel utter overwhelm. Helplessness. Uncertainty. Fear. And my EGO starts to suggest that maybe I should stop moving forward or even turn back. Because I know what’s back there. And maybe I won’t be so great at dealing with what’s ahead.
And on and on.
And in the moment, the overwhelm can take over. The Voice can win. And in that moment when the Voice wins, I revert to old ways of thinking and doing I don’t necessarily like. And other things I don’t really like may happen, like I may snap at my kids or eat something really crappy or say “yes’ when I wanted to say “no” or “no” when I wanted to say “yes.”
Eventually, I snap out of it. Maybe through the advice of a friend who won’t put up with my crap. (You know who you are.) Or something great happening (which is more reactive than anything else, I know, and not a permanent solution, I know, but it helps in the moment and sometimes that’s all you need). Or, simply, a good night’s sleep.
So here I am on a Sunday night blogging because I thought it would be a new way to experience the Combination Platter of action and overwhelm that is my life. Perspective is a great thing. And once again, laying myself totally bare does wonders — mostly because what I think I fear the most is, I find, never what I actually fear.
And regardless of what I actually fear (following me here?), I should be f****** living regardless.
I needed today, just like I needed every other day, to remind me of who I am (and am not) and what I want (and don’t want) and how I want to live (and don’t want to live).
Realizing you aren’t who you once were can be amazing and, yes, overwhelming. The latter because it may dawn on you that if you aren’t who you once thought you were….then, really, WHO ARE YOU?
And the not knowing is scary.
I don’t know that I have a great Allison Lesson for you that will wrap this all up in a nice red bow. I know I am learning to live with and be happy with the absence of that red bow. Trust me…the red bow was an illusion anyway.
I can tell you I am going to call a very logical friend and then get a good night’s sleep. And tomorrow The Voice will still be there but I will be rested and ready to shush it up. And my light will be back on bright. For sure.