Hiding. Could also substitute words like “pretending” or “in denial” or even the harsh-sounding “lying.”
It’s not something that sounds sweet or nice when one points it out.It’s not something one wants to think about or acknowledge, especially when everything seems just fine. It’s not a “rah rah” kind of thing you might find in those daily inspirational emails or from the always-positive social media people.
These days, I try to not let any of my crap hide in plain sight. Doesn’t make me any better or worse than anyone else. That’s me now, but it wasn’t me in the past. I learned (the hard way) that I needed to shed light on ALL of it if I wanted to live the life I so desperately wanted to live. I am always, sometimes addictively so, looking for the lesson, for the meaning, for the “why” in what has happened or hasn’t happened, in what I have done or not done, in why I need this or reject this.
Most of us think we are pretty open. Not necessarily out there in the world, but with our own selves, in the most important relationship of our lives. But then we get busy or caught up in what “they” are doing or how “they” are living. Then we compare ourselves to what we think “their” deal is (which is never really an accurate assessment of what “their” true deal is) and then, yep, you guessed it: We fall short. We don’t know why. Or what the problem is. But we do know we aren’t really moving forward because we haven’t really dealt with what has already come before. Then we create more stuff that we think we are dealing with and addressing, but that we really aren’t dealing with or addressing in any meaningful way.
We allow this, all of it, to hide in plain sight. Under our auspices, under our watchful eye.
What I have learned is that that stuff you try to sweep under the rug does not go away. It lies in wait, ready to spring itself on us just at the time when it seems we cannot handle one more “thing” on the plate of our lives. It takes guts to take that shit on and to be honest and real whether you do it in front of millions or for a Party of One in the darkest night of your soul (or anywhere in-between). It takes guts because it is hard and soul-stripping and agonizing to go up against that which you so do not want to go up against.
And then the OK…Yesterday, I wrote about the universal emotions of a bad day. People told me publicly and privately that they can so relate to all of it EXCEPT that the “OK” part of it hasn’t yet revealed itself to them. I understand: We wait for OK to show up, and wonder why it doesn’t. I know. I get it. Been there, done that, am still there lots of the time.
It is sometimes freakishly hard to find the OK in the middle of the mess. We feel we are doing everything right and yet it still feels awful. We are waiting — maybe patiently, maybe anxiously — for the big payoff but nothing seems to materialize.
But we are afraid of ourselves. Of our greatness. Of our dark. Of ourselves. Of our shit. Of what is real, or what was real.
The OK is not about what happens (or doesn’t) or what materializes (or doesn’t). The OK is about how we are treating and addressing ourselves right now, right here, in this very moment.
The OK is about what we are doing while we think we are waiting for the OK.
What I am learning about all of this is that we make our own OK. We don’t need to wait for it. We make it and we also recognize that it is already there.
Hiding in plain sight.