Today I am 41

Today I am 41. 

(<— This is what 41 looks like.)

My morning pages earlier today focused on what this past year has been like for me. It has been a monumental period. There has been massive change and transformation in me, for me, by me. How I have loved and been loved, how I have healed, how I have pushed through fear, how I have listened to my soul, how I have transformed. 

And, yet, I didn’t really put it all together into one conglomerate of a package until I wrote it all down today.

When I saw the body of fucking awesomeness I have created and started and incited and just, well, done in my life over the past year, I must admit I was floored. And what I realized, not for the first time, is how very hard I am on myself. It’s never enough. There’s always more. It’s never right. Could be better.

Why? I am not sure. And maybe it does not matter why. What matters is that from here on out, it won’t be that way.

All that blah, blah, blah of perfectionism is tiring. And you know what else it is? It is fucking old. I am done with it. I thought I was done with it before, but today I realized I should be giving my bad-ass self a standing O every single day for being who I am and showing up in this world as I show up every single day.

Today I am 41.

Today I took the day “off” and had my car washed and bought myself a cute ankle bracelet. I dropped off some VHS tapes for conversion to DVD and I made copies at Kinko’s. I bought food for a party I am having Saturday night. I read the emails and texts and Facebook posts from so many loving people wishing me a Happy Birthday. I swam at the gym with my new bathing cap and I had two green juices, a smoothie, hummus and a whole lot of veggies. I cried in the car when I thought about how I’d give anything for my mom and grandmother to see me at 41. I hugged my kids on their last day of school and we talked about the summer and jet-skiing and unibrows and barber shops. And I still have a wonderful dinner in Fort Lauderdale planned for later with my honey. 

If I live every day as I lived today — in the moment, self-loving and calm as hell — everything will be just fine.

Today I am 41.

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