On The Receiving End Of Hate

Today I received a very personal, hateful and angry card in the mail.

Somebody who did not sign their name and who purposely tried to hide their identity from me (using my own home address as their return address) took the time to handwrite and then mail a letter (postmark is local) detailing why and how badly I, Allison Nazarian, suck. (You can read it by clicking on the image at the bottom of this post.)

They took the time and made the special effort to mention my kids by name and covered all bases on the extent of the awfulness and horror that is me. Maybe they assumed they’d hurt me or make me feel like shit and/or shame me into something – shutting up, perhaps? — that would give them some satisfaction.

[Even the policeman who came to my house and check the letter (yes, I called the police) looked at me and said, “Everyone needs therapy, trust me.”]

So in the spirit of being me, I decided to write about this experience right now, while it is still fresh in my mind. We are all in situations – of varying degrees of severity, of course – in which we feel victimized or harassed or threatened or bullied in some way. The simple truth is that these dark things simply cannot thrive in the light, so my inclination is to put this one in the light.

I have some ideas as to who wrote this letter, but the truth is that the person him or herself doesn’t matter to me. Their anger has nothing to do with me. Their deep sadness, too, has nothing to do with me. But as long as they think it is about me or that I have caused whatever it is they are feeling or experiencing, then for them it is all about me. This is not someone who had any intention of any real discussion with me. This was the kind of hit-and-run that can only be performed anonymously.

My life and so much of my journey RIGHT NOW is about being real and staying in the light and not hiding in the dark. I refuse to feel any shame for being who I am, for anything I have done, not done, said, not said, thought, not thought in my life.

So to my “penpal” (and I am fairly certain you read all my stuff), I am truly sorry for the pain and anger you feel. I hope you find your peace and happiness. And to the rest of you, those who really matter and are doing and thinking good things wherever you are, please remember that it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

inside

front

Comments

comments

Previous post: This Time It Is Different

Next post: There Is No But

http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

I’m so sorry you had to be on the receiving end of this horrible letter. This post was such a graceful way to handle it. #loveyou
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  #loveyoutoo
http://elizabethpottsweinstein.com ElizabethPW

I’m so sorry you had to be on the receiving end of this horrible letter. This post was such a graceful way to handle it. #loveyou
http://twitter.com/k8dotcom kate siegel

I’m having flashbacks to the ugly incident at the basketball game last year. And yes, “hit-and-run” is exactly how I’d describe this. How unfortunate and sad that’s her experience of you. Mine hasn’t been.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thank you for having flashbacks for me It isn’t my experience of me either, thank goodness. THANK YOU!
http://twitter.com/k8dotcom kate siegel

I’m having flashbacks to the ugly incident at the basketball game last year. And yes, “hit-and-run” is exactly how I’d describe this. How unfortunate and sad that’s her experience of you. Mine hasn’t been.
http://twitter.com/CourtneyRamirez Courtney Ramirez

Holy hell – you have handled this with a lot more poise and grace than I would have. Maybe the silver lining is that they felt better after this? What a terrible way to treat someone….hope you can purge this out of your memory.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thank you Courtney
http://lisa-unmasked.com Lisa MB

”
The simple truth is that these dark things simply cannot thrive in the light, so my inclination is to put this one in the light.”

Bravo, A!

I so admire the way you handled this with such grace and poise, but mostly because you had the AUDACITY to shine a light on it. Talking about lovin’ a mess.

I am sorry that you were on the receiving end of such hate.

#youaresoloved
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  thank you and LOVE YOU
Anonymous

Two things: 1. If you suck so bad and what you say and do hurts them so much, why the hell do they read all your stuff? 2. That is an awfully pretty card for someone they hate. Cards don’t come cheap these days, ya know. Oh, wait, there is a third: I am so proud of how you’re handling it. With dignity, as i would expect. You are correct that this is about them and their hurt and not about you.

Big hugs to you my kickass, kind and loving friend!
Shannon
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Your comment made me LOL more than once.
  That is a reaction of someone who has too little love from their own self and others. So so sad. Must suck to live like that. The good news is they can change if they want and turn their life around at any time.
Lori Finnigan

Allison that’s incredibly sad. What a waste of time and energy on something so hateful. Don’t they realize they can’t get that time back and everytime they do something like this it just eats a little hole in their heart?

Thanks for sharing, and I hope you spend no more time on this hatefulness. Seriously, what a DB
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  DB is right!
  Thank you.
Anonymous

geez louise that is a message full of pain.

i was thinking about this myself too this week – re: how whenever you choose to “step into the light” in some way, shape or form (ie: through a business) that puts you in the path of other peoples “ick”. and that we need to be able to step into that and let it be – as you say, it’s about them and not us. very hard to do at times but a necessary part of the journey imo.

i had someone this week send an email to me and a colleague of mine (business “friend” who i adore) saying that they essentially don’t like my stuff – which is fine – but they also saying to this other person that because they recommended my stuff now they don’t like/respect that other person as much. Have to admit that made me feel bad… i’m OK with being responsible for people not liking me/my stuff, but when someone transfers their dislike of me to others in my network, that made me feel sad. Same in that I know it’s not ultimately about either me or my colleague, but none the less that was a hard pill to swallow. So many layers to this journey hey?
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Hi Tina,
  You are so right about the so many layers — ultimately, someone else’s problems, delusions, assumptions, issues, etc are not and cannot be our problems, right? What sucks is that you work very hard for your reputation, and it is important to you, and the someone else with no solid reasoning can get involved even if they don’t belong. But know that the good and right always win out — your other friend knows exactly who and what you are in business. The truth cannot be snuffed out ever.
  xo
http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

“I
t is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” that is so true!!

I’m sorry that someone would send you such a mean letter. How awful. You are showing your true self in the way you are handling this with grace openness.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thank you!
Anonymous

You are a shining example of class and dignity – and I am proud to all you my friend.

It’s when you’re stepping out into your light and doing what you’re here to do that some people will attack and criticize you because for whatever reason, they feel threatened and intimidated.

xoxo
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Exactly. Well said, too.
  xo
http://www.lisarobbinyoung.com Lisa Robbin Young

Stylish card. I guess it just shows to go you can’t judge a book (or card, or person) by their cover.

This too shall pass. Way to rise above!
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Totally agree and well said!
  Thank you!
http://twitter.com/ParentingExtra Parenting Extra

Awful thing to get- awesome way to handle it- you have inspired me, Thank you
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thank you too!
http://www.TriumphWellness.com Emily Segal

Very yucky. Do you read Havi at the Fluent Self? Her post Someone Threw A Shoe At You might be helpful here:
http://www.fluentself.com/blog/habits/someone-threw-a-shoe-at-you/

Shine on Sister and keep ducking the shoes!
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thanks again, Em — read that post and commented. Good stuff!
Stacy

I cannot imagine someone doing that and not just calling you (as weird as that might be for you and the person) and just discussing. That said, well-done AIBN! Love you and great catching up the other night…really meant a lot to me, my sista!
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Love you and thank you!
Marsha Belinson

Haters are everywhere. It means you are making an impact. Screw her. I say her because it looks like a girl’s hand writing. She’s just mad that you know how to be present and she lives in the past.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  And in a made-up past at that!
  Thank you!
Staci

I’m still surprised people actually hand write letters/cards. LOL Anyway, your last line is so perfect: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness… #perfection.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  I love handwriting letters and will do so even more!
  xo
Gemmomma

SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SAD….time to get their own life, no worries for you! You are a wonderful mother and friend…people with No life just have nothing better to do than worry about others, should be a nice thing but unfortunately in this case it isn’t! Brush it off and move on with happy thoughts that you know better!
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  Thank you and agreed!
Joanmoorerealtor

Oy! How icky. So sorry someone had to inflict their sickness on you.
- http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian
  
  I know and thank you
http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian

I totally agree re karma, and I know that will take care of itself.
Thank you!
http://loveyourmessbook.com Allison Nazarian

love you!
Emkatz415

WOW!!! Seriously?!?! Nothing in that letter is even close to being true!! I can’t speak for everyone else but for as long as I’ve known you, you have never shown me those qualities. You help a lot of people through a lot of tough times with your words. “Be kinder and more forgiving” ??? Really??? Maybe she doesn’t read your blogs because all I see is you helping/showing people become better people. I love you and I’m glad you brushed this off!! Also Daniel and Maya are BEYOND lucky to have you as a mother! You’re wonderful!!

Elicia
http://www.randomshelly.com/blog/ Shelly

Guess this person has no clue that they should read that card to themselves…

Good way to handle it – LOVE the ‘Home Sweet Home” on the front – that made me LOL!!
Anonymous

This letter is clearly from someone who’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic. I’m sorry I missed it when you initially published, and that I have had no idea what’s going on with you. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with crap like this—it’s not fair, and this letter couldn’t be further from the truth of the Allison I know. You’ve handled it so well, though–better than I ever could have. HUGS to you, sweets! xoxoxox
http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com PostDivorceCoach

Wow. I have been on the receiving end of emails that are similar in nature, but never a letter…You have handled it with the grace that only you have…and that grace is gorgeous.

On The Receiving End Of Hate

Comments

Let’s Connect

Comments

Connect with Allison

Search

Archives