Somebody who did not sign their name and who purposely tried to hide their identity from me (using my own home address as their return address) took the time to handwrite and then mail a letter (postmark is local) detailing why and how badly I, Allison Nazarian, suck. (You can read it by clicking on the image at the bottom of this post.)
They took the time and made the special effort to mention my kids by name and covered all bases on the extent of the awfulness and horror that is me. Maybe they assumed they’d hurt me or make me feel like shit and/or shame me into something – shutting up, perhaps? — that would give them some satisfaction.
[Even the policeman who came to my house and check the letter (yes, I called the police) looked at me and said, “Everyone needs therapy, trust me.”]
So in the spirit of being me, I decided to write about this experience right now, while it is still fresh in my mind. We are all in situations – of varying degrees of severity, of course – in which we feel victimized or harassed or threatened or bullied in some way. The simple truth is that these dark things simply cannot thrive in the light, so my inclination is to put this one in the light.
I have some ideas as to who wrote this letter, but the truth is that the person him or herself doesn’t matter to me. Their anger has nothing to do with me. Their deep sadness, too, has nothing to do with me. But as long as they think it is about me or that I have caused whatever it is they are feeling or experiencing, then for them it is all about me. This is not someone who had any intention of any real discussion with me. This was the kind of hit-and-run that can only be performed anonymously.
My life and so much of my journey RIGHT NOW is about being real and staying in the light and not hiding in the dark. I refuse to feel any shame for being who I am, for anything I have done, not done, said, not said, thought, not thought in my life.
So to my “penpal” (and I am fairly certain you read all my stuff), I am truly sorry for the pain and anger you feel. I hope you find your peace and happiness. And to the rest of you, those who really matter and are doing and thinking good things wherever you are, please remember that it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.